Thursday, January 2, 2014

Demon Butternut Squash Soup

I had a horrifying kitchen experience last night. I've dubbed it the "Demon Soup Story".

My dear readers, if anyone EVER makes you butternut squash soup, know that they care about you IMMENSELY. Why, you ask?

Because butternut squashes are asshole vegetables. 

To make creamy butternut squash soup in a relatively short amount of time, one needs to cut the squash into small-ish chunks that cook quickly. THIS IS AN INSANELY LABOR INTENSIVE PROCESS THAT WILL RESULT IN PAIN AND HAND CRAMPS FOR THE CHEF. I'm talking about sawing through this LOG of a vegetable. Oh, and then you've gotta peel it, bulges and all, and then seed it. 

Then, once all the veggies have softened, the chef has to blend batches of the mixture until it is smooth. Now, this seems simple. But, when 100% of the soup is in the pot, and 60% is blended, and 40% is still chunky...... finding the chunky parts to blend ain't. easy. 

FINALLY, at this point in the cooking process, your chef will have to reheat the now fully blended butternut squash soup so that it is the perfect temperature when their loved ones eat it. So he or she will heat the soup on the stove, adjusting seasoning if need be ----- until the asshole butternut squash will refuse to die a culinary death and instead "SPIT" at the poor chef as it starts to boil. 

Now, one might say, why not reheat the soup in the microwave at this point to save some time and aggravation? 

NO. Just. NO. After this poor, downtrodden chef has spent HOURS sawing through squash and no-doubt dealing with blender difficulties, there is NO DAMN WAY that he or she will do something as sacrilegious as putting the soup in the microwave. 

So, long story short, having someone make you butternut squash from scratch (and I mean, cutting up the vegetable and not cheating and using that pre-cut nonsense) is truly the culinary equivalent of someone buying you diamonds, a car, or a yacht and needs to be appreciated. 

The end.

P.S. Mom: You are a butternut squash soup making warrior. I have succumbed to defeat, but your recipe is amazing. I will simply wait til you make it from now on.