Thursday, January 2, 2014

Demon Butternut Squash Soup

I had a horrifying kitchen experience last night. I've dubbed it the "Demon Soup Story".

My dear readers, if anyone EVER makes you butternut squash soup, know that they care about you IMMENSELY. Why, you ask?

Because butternut squashes are asshole vegetables. 

To make creamy butternut squash soup in a relatively short amount of time, one needs to cut the squash into small-ish chunks that cook quickly. THIS IS AN INSANELY LABOR INTENSIVE PROCESS THAT WILL RESULT IN PAIN AND HAND CRAMPS FOR THE CHEF. I'm talking about sawing through this LOG of a vegetable. Oh, and then you've gotta peel it, bulges and all, and then seed it. 

Then, once all the veggies have softened, the chef has to blend batches of the mixture until it is smooth. Now, this seems simple. But, when 100% of the soup is in the pot, and 60% is blended, and 40% is still chunky...... finding the chunky parts to blend ain't. easy. 

FINALLY, at this point in the cooking process, your chef will have to reheat the now fully blended butternut squash soup so that it is the perfect temperature when their loved ones eat it. So he or she will heat the soup on the stove, adjusting seasoning if need be ----- until the asshole butternut squash will refuse to die a culinary death and instead "SPIT" at the poor chef as it starts to boil. 

Now, one might say, why not reheat the soup in the microwave at this point to save some time and aggravation? 

NO. Just. NO. After this poor, downtrodden chef has spent HOURS sawing through squash and no-doubt dealing with blender difficulties, there is NO DAMN WAY that he or she will do something as sacrilegious as putting the soup in the microwave. 

So, long story short, having someone make you butternut squash from scratch (and I mean, cutting up the vegetable and not cheating and using that pre-cut nonsense) is truly the culinary equivalent of someone buying you diamonds, a car, or a yacht and needs to be appreciated. 

The end.

P.S. Mom: You are a butternut squash soup making warrior. I have succumbed to defeat, but your recipe is amazing. I will simply wait til you make it from now on.


  1. this might be my favorite post ever. your mom must be amazing. long live asshole vegetables!!

    PS: can you imagine it?? it'll be the new trend of 2014:
    guy: will you marry me??
    girl; oh my god! butternut squash soup!! You really do love me! oh yes! Of course I'll marry you!

  2. Great post! Have you tried an immersion blender?

  3. I feel your pain. I've tried to make that, with a food processor, and good lord, is it difficult.

  4. You might be able to save some work if you peel the squash before you cut it open. First cut only the top off. Then use the same vegetable peeler that you use on carrots or cucumbers. Only then, cut the squash. I usually cut it cross-wise rather than lengthwise; in this way I can relatively quickly dice up a lot of the vegetable without having to separate out seeds and wet stuff. After I do this, I quarter the rest (where the seeds are) lengthwise and scoop out the seeds before I dice the rest. The prep work is still considerable -- though lessened -- and the end result is amazing as the hard, starchy squash breaks down into something smooth and slightly sweet without the need to add any sugar.

  5. Wow - I just poke the thing with a long pronged grilling-type fork - poke it all over - and put it in the microwave for about 15 minutes. Wait till in cools (use silicone gloves to handle if if you just can't wait) then cut it or scoop it away from the skin, scoop out the seeds, put it in a pot with some sauteed red onions and chicken broth (granules or low-sodium, depending on your taste). Cook it for awhile and then when everything is very tender, use an immersion blender. Couldn't be easier!